Dealing with Our Pain

 I recently read a post on Tumblr that said that 'There are two kinds of people: those who think, "I don't want anyone to suffer like I did," and those who think "I suffered, why shouldn't they?"'

I found myself really struck by that sentiment. I'd never thought of it that way. But it explains a lot.

I'm one of the 'I don't want anyone to suffer like I did' variety. I had a horrible childhood. Despite being a straight, white, able-bodied cis male, I was constantly the subject of scorn and derision. My classmates constantly bullied me, because I didn't dress the way they did. I didn't act like they did. I was smarter than they were.

And it sucked.

Anyone who says 'Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me' has clearly never been the subject of constant exclusion and ridicule by their peers. Humans, as social animals, need to be accepted. Words will, in fact, hurt far more than sticks or stones.

Physical pain will pass. Emotional trauma is forever.

If it was that bad for me, I can't imagine how much worse it must be for people who aren't straight, aren't white, aren't male, aren't cis, aren't able-bodied...

I don't want anyone to suffer the way I did.

I also heard a podcast recently in which the host was talking about political disagreements between family members. He said at one point, 'Everyone wants to make the world a better place.' He went on to say that we all have different ideas about how to accomplish that, but I was lost in thought. I was too busy thinking, 'But the question is, better for whom?'

Because that's the problem. Too many people only want to make the world better for themselves, and people like themselves. Rich people often want to make the world better for rich people. Many white people want to make the world better for white people. A lot of Christians want to make the world better for Christians (usually their particular flavour of Christianity, specifically).

I found myself wondering recently if maybe there's some trauma in everybody's life that shapes who and what that person becomes, how that person behaves, and most importantly, how that person reacts to all subsequent trauma, be it trauma they are suffering or trauma suffered by others. Like, there's a small, hurting person inside of all of us that we are trying to protect from any further harm, and that shapes the way we interact with people around us.

The trauma might be minor and even somewhat petty (I didn't get the video game I wanted for my tenth birthday) or it might be profound (I watched so much TV when I was younger that I bought into the promise that one day I'd be rich and have an easy, carefree life, and that never happened), but whatever it is, whenever we sense that threat (be it a real threat or imagined), we react to protect the small hurting person inside from the pain of that threat.

For example, someone who's trauma is 'I didn't get the present I wanted as a kid' might respond negatively to any threat of not being given what he wants. Trauma like the 'I didn't get rich like what you see on TV' example might result in racism or other bigotry (it's the fault of those immigrants that I didn't get my dream job and now have to work in a minimum wage position).

In my case, my trauma is 'I was excluded by my peers during my formative younger years, and that causes me to be upset when I feel like I'm being excluded—or dismissed—as an adult, but more importantly, it causes me to be upset and often angry when I see any human being excluded or the subject of discrimination.'

But I can't help but wonder if that's the cause for forms of bigotry: racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, religious bigotry, etc... there's some trauma that causes the person to react in a hostile manner in order to protect the 'small hurt person inside...'

There has to be a way to end all this suffering.

Hasn't there?